Where I Hurt

Here is my pain, it is where I hurt, where I struggle and what I have to overcome.  You see I rarely date and my busy life is my convenient excuse.  There is no doubt that I am busy and I am constantly moving either because I am caring for my family or because I am working or because I am trying to fullfill a calling or an assignment or whatever.  I can keep busy without a problem and that is the convenient truth which makes it a convenient excuse.  The reality is that if I really wanted to date someone I could make the time.  When I am not really interested in someone I don't really want to go on a date.  Doing so creates a certain amount of anxiety and it just isn't my funnest activity and yet when someone says they have someone for me to meet I go, anxiety and all.  That said, when I meet someone and I would like to go on a date with them and I want to get to know them, it's like the hounds are released in my mind and I am tormented by self doubt and fear of rejection.  In my mind 'I am not good enough' echoes loudly and the thought of even trying is exhausting.  I don't want to open my heart to the pain that I have once endured.  I am afraid to fail again.  Not opening the door and facing that potential rejection makes things easier on me in a sense and yet it also torments me.  I can only succeed through being unafraid to fail.  I have to get past this.  I have to try in earnest to make the time and to do it.  Alas, my heart aches and I long to leave it alone.  I don't want the pain, I don't want to hurt.  Let me be brave.