A Message on Fathers Day

Usually during the Sacrament Meeting program on Fathers Day you hear a few talks about the positive traits of a father accompanied by a tearful rendition of how the speakers own father was so wonderful and did this amazing things. If no such story exists then you hear messages about other great fathers and all leaves you feeling positive and up beat with an appreciation for your own father.

Today was High Council Sunday and so instead of having youth from the ward stand and speak we had a return missionary speak followed by the High Council member assigned with a little primary song in between. I thought the missionary did a great job. He spoke plainly about a few things relative to preparation and wishing he had better prepared for his mission. I think that there are probably quite a few missionaries that can relate to those feelings. Anyhow he tied in the role of father to missionary work and how fulfilling your responsibilities as the patriarch in the home can help in preparing your children to be missionaries. I thought he did a good job.

I do want to interject real quick here that Brother and Sister Bettridge got their mission call this week. They are going to serve in the Portland Oregon Mission. Ken was funny when he announced the call - he said it hadn't even been a week and he was already homesick. They will report to the MTC in a month. I sure do love Ken and Georgia.

The primary kids sang a song about their dads being their best pals or something. I had never heard it before. I could here Jayson singing with everything he had and I sure thought it was neat. I looked across the chapel at Jay who was just smiling and it was just a neat thing. I am grateful for my family. Obviously I mention Jay here but don't do so at the exclusion of any of my other siblings. They are all good people, good examples and good friends. It is nice to say that I enjoy a friendship each of my siblings as well as my parents. I was out on a home teaching visit after church and Brother Roy Smith was in need of a blessing. I was there solo and asked for a few minutes so that I could run and get someone to assist. I went straight to Jay's house and he was more then willing to come help. I sure appreciate that willingness to go at a moments notice.

When I was the Executive Secretary in the Lakeland Stake there was a time or two when I had to fill in for members of the high council on their speaking assignments. It was during one of these assignments in my home ward (Highlands Ward) that I received a phone call in the middle of my talk. I had forgotten to turn off the ringer. I thought I shut it off but then it rang again and without thinking I answered it right there at the pulpit and simply said "Hello, I am in the middle of giving a talk and will call you back" then hung up. Talk about embarrassing. I just continued right on with my talk. Anyhow, the other time I was assigned to speak was in the Arcadia Branch and the subject was a conference talk by Elder Oaks on Divorce. I prepared and thought that I had given a fairly good talk. I don't think there was anything particularly harsh in my comments and certainly not in the contents of Elder Oaks message. I went on to spend three straight weeks down in the Arcadia Branch for different Stake business and came to learn that several members of the branch had been divorced. I wondered if I had been as sensitive to that as I should have been. Before I went through divorce myself I was definitely not aware of the pain, the struggle and the heartache that goes along with it. I certainly did not think about the perspective divorced individuals in the church may have.

Well, this brings me to the topic at hand and the message that was shared by the High Council rep this Fathers Day. I learned today that you cannot be a good parent if you are single. It was a very interesting comment and the man said it with pure conviction. I thought about my dear friend Heidi sitting in the back with her 5 children and the amazing parent that she is to her children. This man obviously doesn't know Heidi. It is funny that I just got a text from Heidi wishing me a Happy Fathers Day and hoping I was able to ignore some of what the speaker said today. Anyhow, it didn't end there. He went on to rail on those who have been divorced.

I don't think I have ever heard the brethren speak in such a manner. I am not saying that you need to get overly sensitive on the subject or paint a picture that divorce is the norm. It isn't, it shouldn't be. I think however that we need to understand that people have their agency. Sometimes a spouse chooses to walk a different path leaving the other to pick up the pieces. I also think that members of the church need to understand how hard it is to be that parent left to pick up the pieces and stay active in the church. It is embarrassing. You feel like a major disappointment and that you have failed. The focus on the church is family and when you show up as the single divorced parent it can be hard to be there. You feel like everyone is looking at you and judging you for something they know nothing about.

He went on to discuss some 16 or 18 things that kids from divorced parents suffer. I don't even wish to repeat any of them. I thought this was perhaps the worst part of his talk as it would leave any struggling single parent to believe that their kids are doomed to failure regardless of what they did. Heaven forbid a child of divorced parents were listening. They might have thoughts planted in their mind that certain things were destined to happen in their lives.

I kind of just tuned out at that point. I was trying to hang in there but there was only so much I could take. Certainly it was one of the more uplifting fathers day messages that I have ever heard. I walked over to Jay and Sara afterwards and said I was done. I am obviously a bad parent and my kids are doomed to failure so why bother. I am packing it in. They both felt bad for me throughout the talk. Really though, I am okay. I understand that there are going to be a lot of people that are passionate about divorce. There are going to be many that don't know the pain that comes with it. I know what that is like and now I know the pain of it.

I just got off of Skype with the kids. We were on for about an hour. They were great. Andy dominated the microphone and was so happy to show me how he text's on Natty's old phone. He is going to be one cool Kindergartner. Jack showed me his missing tooth and we had some fun with that and Natty took me on a quick tour to her bedroom there. They all looked great. Andy and I sang Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam together. Jack was pretending to be a ghost in the blanket and I did a quick puppet show for Natty with some of the little statues I have here on the shelf. The Moose, the Giraffe and the Zulu Warrior. Fun stuff.

I love the Lord and I know that He loves me. He knows my heart. He knows my struggles and my pain and He carries me through the difficult times. He knows that I have been divorced and he knows more then any the sadness that came as part of that experience. He has not left me comfortless and He will not leave any of us comfortless when we place our trust and our faith in Him.