I Broke Down

Life is an interesting thing.  I write a title and suddenly I find myself pondering it and trying to come up with several ways of defining its meaning in my life today.  Actually, there are a couple directly related to today.

I was checking my email this morning and what I typically find in the AM is a bunch of junk mail that comes every night at about 1:30 AM (it's woken me up a couple of times when I have forgotten to turn off the ringer).  Anyhow, there I was preparing to junk it all and a headline stuck out to me "5 Ways to Know That She Isn't Into You".  I need all the help I can get in this arena so I took a look.  It was in the LDS Living email so I wasn't worried about the wold spin on it and thought it would be a good read.  I won't go into all 5 of these but I will say that I found it somewhat humorous that I could identify with all 5 things.  One was that she doesn't return calls or texts.  Ahhh, yes, been there.  It sucks.  I understand now that it is a subtle hint and allows them to keep from telling you straight up that they are not interested.  Another is friend interference.  Then there is the no contact thing or the classic "I don't have time for a relationship right now".  Been there too.  That one can be legit but often times it simply means that they are not interested in and do not have time for a relationship right now or ever with you.  Here's the sad thing.  I can relate to that because it has happened to me and also because I have done it myself.  Why?  Well, you don't want to hurt Antone's feelings.  You don't.  Gosh it is tough.  I don't like dating because of these things.  I subject myself to rejection and I would simply rather not.  My divorce came down to the fact that my spouse rejected me.  I am torn when I think about dating because I so want to have that but I do not want to risk the pain.  Sometimes I do but really, it is easy not to even have to worry about it.  I am really in a sad state of dating limbo and as I thought about it a little deeper I broke down a bit.  I don't want to be that person.  I know that I need to try, sorry, there is no try, do or do not.  I know that I need to do. 

Secondly I have gone without a phone for over a week.  I needed to be readily accessible for the kids in case of an emergency.  I broke down an purchased a phone today and a plan to go with it. It seems a good phone and hope that it will serve me well.  I am trying one of these no contract plans.  I realize that it hasn't even been a day yet but I am happy with what I've experienced so far.