When I was single, the first time, I was hanging out and my only sister in law at the time, that would be Clorinda, told me I was pensive. I had no idea what that even meant and therefore didn't know if it was a compliment or a harsh negative attack on my fragile ego. A quick definition would be the following:
Characterized by or disposed to thought, especially serious or deep thought.
I suppose that is somewhat fitting for me. I do a lot of thinking, sometimes it's even deep thinking but only sometimes. In any case I have been thinking lately about life and the different stages or stations of it. I know through personal experience that it can be easy to get caught up in where we are today. We might find ourselves struggling in one way or another and suddenly we projecting these challenges on the rest of our lives. Nothing is ever going to change, I am stuck in this rut and here I will remain. That can be hell. We rob ourselves of hope when we do that to ourselves. Things that happen in life just happen, they are part of the journey. I love, love, love when President Monson said to us "Find joy in the journey now".
You know my station in life right now isn't what I would have chosen for myself but it is what it is. It can be very challenging and quite exhausting at times. There are times when I feel very low but through it all I know that the Lord knows who I am. He has not abandoned me and in Him I have hope.
Today some of my favorite people in the world spoke in church. Elder Ken and Sister Georgia Bettridge reported on their mission. These are wonderful people and I have certainly missed them over the last year as they have been gone. I loved hearing their report. I love that they went and served this mission. I know that it was a scary thing for them. Ken told the story of their drive up to the MTC and said when they got to Beaver he wanted to turn around but they kept going. They are such giving and loving people who were so kind to the kids and I when we moved in next door. I know that they touched the hearts of those they served in the Oregon Portland Mission. I got to talk to both of them briefly and they both asked about the kids and wanted to know how they were doing. Ken told me he tried calling me a couple of times but couldn't get through. I think he must have had my old number. I was touched that he thought of me and tried to call to check up on us.
As I think about Ken and Georgia and their mission I am filled with gratitude for my grandparents and the example they set for me in doing the same thing. That is what grandparents do right? That is all I knew when I was growing up and it is the greatest desire of my heart to serve missions with my companion when I reach that station of life. I don't have any clue who that companion will be but we are going to have a lot of fun serving the Lord.
As stations go I know that I need to be moving forward and I need to progress beyond some of the fears that I have. There is a fear of pain, I've talked about this before as I've discussed fleas and training them. In my pensive moments, thought I would tie that back in, I think about how inadequate I feel and I don't see myself as being very desirable. It weighs on me and is probably why I don't do a lot of dating. I have a wall up, it is there to protect me. How do you let someone in? How do you let someone in when you live with a heart that was broken and a belief that you are not good enough? I don't know how to overcome that and so my relationships are kept at a safe distance and yet I need to move forward somehow and not just for me, my children need to have and deserve to have a motherly influence in the home.
I know that with the Lord moving forward can be a reality. I can move forward, I can learn to let someone in again. Obviously I can see myself with my companion serving missions together so I am not projecting this current single station on the rest of my life. That's a good thing right?
Well, whatever our station in life is there is joy to be had. Whatever circumstances we find ourselves in we have a Savior who loves us. He knows our fears and our pains and He can help us through them. He is my source of hope and strength and so I will press forward believing in Him.
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