Had some struggles today, feeling low, feeling down on myself. Sometimes I just get tired. Sometimes I struggle to have a lot of hope. Sometimes I feel alone. I was in the middle of trying to work today and all I wanted to do was leave, get away from things. I couldn't. I was standing there making hot chocolate and cider for customers and praying that I could keep it together. I don't really remember what happened after that, just moved on to the next order, moved on to who knows what? My head cleared and somehow I had enough peace of mind to carry on.
When I was visiting with the counselor back in the days of trying to salvage the marriage, Sharon said to me that she was worried about how I would carry on. I was in the middle of making the hardest decisions of my life, the most painful ones. Each day tested my resolve to stay positive and there were days when I failed those tests. I fail those tests today. Anyway, the worry was about how I would respond to the rejection that I went through. I thought I would manage fine. I think some days I am just that, fine. Other days I am not. I carry a burden on my shoulders from those times that leaves me feeling of no worth, unworthy of any sort of relationship now or in the future. I was not good enough and I fear I will not be good enough for anyone and that is the burden I carry. I don't know if this is what Sharon was concerned about but there are times when this haunts me, some days it is a struggle.
There isn't really time to stay weighed down. I have to come home, put dinner on, do homework with the kids and make sure everything in the home is okay and progressing. We manage. Here I was typing this post and Andy woke up, came over to me, climbed in my lap, rested his head on my chest and patted me on the back as if to say "it's okay dad, you'll be fine". Sometimes that's just what I need to push forward, to carry on, to get over myself.
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