Be Gentle With Yourselves

I started a post the other night with this as the title. I was very tired and unable to get to the point and had planned on penning some thoughts the following morning. I decided to change the title and not detail some thoughts. Funny that I have had experiences over the last few days that have lead me to this same lesson.

In my Book of Mormon I have noted on the top of the page in 3 Nephi 17 the following: He has born the awful burden, be gentle with yourselves. Bro Van Dremelin 6-29-1996. Those of us Fontano's that were attending the University Ward at that time would remember that this was from a Sacrament meeting talk given by our High Councilman at the time. It was only a few short weeks after this talk that Bro Van was called as Bishop of our ward. I love Bishop Van. He was a spiritual giant and a physically he was a giant as well. I am sad that he has passed but I cherish his memory.

I will always remember this talk as he spoke about how hard we can be on ourselves. I am certainly very critical of me. I see my faults and I know my weaknesses and there are days when I just won't give myself a break. The last few days have been those when I have not been real positive about me. Feelings of inadequacy and not being good enough have occupied space in my mind. Like squatters that refuse to leave these thoughts are unwelcome guests and serve only to drag me down. Over the last few years I have thought a lot, discussed a lot, and learned some about the voices that we listen to. There are so many voices out there that it can be hard to hear and focus on the one that matters, the still, small voice of the Spirit.

There are areas in my life where I am extremely vulnerable and I feel like a complete failure. The funny thing is that Satan knows this and he is constantly reminding me of these failures and I let him. I feel like crap because I failed in marriage. I feel like crap because I find myself in difficult financial circumstances. I feel like crap because I cannot manage my kids very well. I feel like crap because I attend a meeting and feel like I am not worthy to be there that someone else would be much more qualified. I feel like crap because I spend so much of my time just trying to keep my house together, put meals on the table and keep clothes clean that I fail to give my kids all of the attention they deserve. I feel like crap when I hear the thoughts "I told you that you weren't good enough" ringing in my head. I feel like crap because I just used the word crap several times and it is probably very offensive to people. It certainly was considered a swear word in South Africa and my using it here completely negates my argument with mom that I can say hell and damn because they are not considered swear words in South Africa. Damn that sucks. I don't know what Nephi was thinking when he talked about being a wretched man. I don't know what others feel about themselves. I feel inadequate and not good enough, is that wretched? I don't know.

And here is the lesson, I came home from Presidency meeting feeling down, not good enough and what comes into my mind, be gentle with yourself. Bishop Van, I can see his big smile and the love in his eyes. I can feel that bear hug he used to give and today I miss that. The message, I don't have it linked to any one verse just penned in on 3 Nephi 17 which makes me weep when I read it because of the love that I feel from the Savior. I will quote just a couple of verses.

7 Have ye any that are sick among you? Bring them hither. Have ye any that are lame, or blind, or halt, or maimed, or leprous, or that are withered, or that are deaf, or that are afflicted in any manner? Bring them hither and I will heal them, for I have compassion upon you; my bowels are filled with mercy.

8 For I perceive that ye desire that I should show unto you what I have done unto your brethren at Jerusalem, for I see that your faith is sufficient that I should heal you.

9 And it came to pass that when he had thus spoken, all the multitude, with one accord, did go forth with their sick and their afflicted, and their lame, and with their blind, and with their dumb, and with all them that were afflicted in any manner; and he did heal them every one as they were brought forth unto him.

10 And they did all, both they who had been healed and they who were whole, bow down at his feet, and did worship him; and as many as could come for the multitude did kiss his feet, insomuch that they did bathe his feet with their tears.

15 And when he had said these words, he himself also knelt upon the earth; and behold he prayed unto the Father, and the things which he prayed cannot be written, and the multitude did bear record who heard him.

16 And after this manner do they bear record: The eye hath never seen, neither hath the ear heard, before, so great and marvelous things as we saw and heard Jesus speak unto the Father;

17 And no tongue can speak, neither can there be written by any man, neither can the hearts of men conceive so great and marvelous things as we both saw and heard Jesus speak; and no one can conceive of the joy which filled our souls at the time we heard him pray for us unto the Father.

18 And it came to pass that when Jesus had made an end of praying unto the Father, he arose; but so great was the joy of the multitude that they were overcome.

19 And it came to pass that Jesus spake unto them, and bade them arise.

20 And they arose from the earth, and he said unto them: Blessed are ye because of your faith. And anow behold, my joy is full.

21 And when he had said these words, he wept, and the multitude bare record of it, and he took their little children, one by one, and blessed them, and prayed unto the Father for them.

22 And when he had done this he wept again;

Obviously more then just a couple of verses. That is hard to do because it is all so good and it brings peace. As I reflect on the Savior I am grateful. Having written this post I feel better. It has not been without tears. Tears because of my friend Bishop Van and tears because in fact his message that day was true, the Savior has born the awful burden, be gentle with yourselves. I want to be made whole. I want to let go of these burdens that presently weigh me down and I want to listen to the right voices. That sounds strange and makes me feel like I need to be committed. I want to hear the whisperings of the Spirit and enjoy the peace that it brings. I need to trust in the Savior more fully.