As some of you may be aware I spoke in Stake Conference on Saturday night. It was a different topic then I had heard before as it highlighted something that we normally don't see highlighted in the Church. Maybe highlighted isn't the right word here. Anyway the subject I was asked to talk on was Family Relations in a Single Parent Eternal Family. I am prefacing this talk a bit so if you just want to get to the talk scroll down some. You'll find it. Otherwise enjoy my ramblings.
For a week and a half I labored over this talk. I had a lot of thoughts, a lot of emotions and not a lot of sleep. I prayed a lot to know what the Lord would have me say and I tried my best to listen. The subject matter is a sensitive one. As a single parent having gone through divorce I have experienced the emotions that can accompany that. I know what it is like to feel out of place, unworthy to participate, lost, afraid and alone. There would be members of my Stake who knew that pain and I wanted to speak to them, to reach out to them in love and with a hope in Christ that we share. I also knew there would be members of the Stake whose marriages were struggling and I wanted to provide some sort of encouraging word. In the end I had a lot of thoughts and feelings go through my mind. I rewrote the talk a couple of times. There were thoughts and conversations and examples from some of my fellow single parents that have had an impact on me and influenced my life. I hope it is something that inspires us to carry on in faith. It was a reminder to me, certainly of some harder times in my life but also of some wonderful people and experiences along the way and the testimony that the Lord knows each of us personally. That he loves us and that he will come in our hours of need. I know that.
Let me say a couple additional things. When I sat down on the stand I looked out in the congregation and one of my favorite customers was sitting there looking at me with a huge smile on his face. It helped to calm my nerves. He is an older gentlemen, we sang for him on his birthday. I think his name is Guy. He loved the Ruby, loved the Philly and just loves us. I knew how to start my talk when I saw him.
I ended up being the third speaker. The first two talks were from a couple and they did a fabulous job. Their topic was Successful Marriage. I loved their messages. When I got up I said "Some of you are probably wondering where you recognize me from. I'm the guy that takes your order and brings you fudge at the Little Brick House. I was a little nervous coming here tonight, I know some members of the second ward, some members of the 8th ward but not too many of the members in the Stake. Then I looked out at the congregation and saw a Ruby, a Philly Steak and a Muffalatta and suddenly I was a lot more comfortable. I guess I'm going to throw a little bit of a twist into the meeting tonight, I'm actually divorced." That kind of woke people up, not that they were asleep but I definitely had their attention.
After the meeting I had a lot of hands to shake and a lot of people to talk to. Guy came up and gave me a big hug and told me how much he loved me. I love that Guy. There were a lot of tender moments with members who told me they had been through divorce. They thanked me for having the courage to share what I did. I felt their sincerity and their love. I usually feel a strong connection to these people, I gave some hugs and thanked them. I had a Bishop ask if he could have a brother in his ward call me. Apparently he just went through divorce and is in that devastation period that I know so well. I gave him my card and said absolutely. I had a lot of people identify themselves by their sandwich of choice.
In the summer of 2010 there is no way I would have been able to do this. I was in that devastation period and struggling to have hope. I had some healing to do. I have probably shared somewhere on this blog the experience I had one day while struggling with the idea of attending church and not feeling like I fit in. I had a powerful impression that I had been given these experiences for a reason and that I needed to share them with others. That was a great blessing to me and helped me to see beyond myself. I don't feel that I am anything special. Believe me, I feel like a huge failure most of the time and that is something I struggle with. My hope is that when the Lord calls on me to share that I will be worthy to heed the call and know the things he would have me say. I hope that I accomplished that here.
Here is the talk.
Storms of Life
I. Opening Scripture - 3 Nephi 14: 24-25
24. Therefore, whoso heareth these sayings of mine and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, who built his house upon a rock.
25. And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beaut upon that house; and it fell not, for it was founded upon a rock.
II. Divorce - My Storm
Three years ago my world was turned upside down when my wife decided she was done with church, with me and with our family. It was the beginning of the most painful and heartbreaking trial of my life. After a year of trying everything I could with counseling, prayer and fasting I finally realized that no matter how much I wanted our marriage to last she didn’t and I couldn’t want it for her. I also knew that in order to protect my family I had to let her go. Certainly the rain was descending, the floods came, the wind was blowing and my house was being beat upon. My wife chose another path and in that time of great loss for myself and my children the only thing I knew to do was to continue doing the things that I knew were right. The Gospel Basics of daily prayer and scripture study, weekly Family Home Evening, attending our church meetings and serving in the temple are 5 anchors that keep us founded upon the rock of the Savior. They strengthen our families to withstand the storms of life.
III. Single Parents and The Family Proclamation
Strengthening Our Families is an in depth look at the Proclamation on the Family. It discusses Single Parents and points out that in the United States 32% of families with children under the age of 18 are lead by single parents. Essentially one third, that is pretty staggering. I am sure that we are all aware of other statistics out there and the challenges that exist for children that grow up in Single Parent homes. As a single parent I can assure you that life is hard, there are challenges everyday and there is little or no down time. I will also say this; I don’t have time for statistics that tell me I am doomed to failure as a parent and that my kids are destined to become criminals. I don’t think any single parent does. Rather we press forward with a hope in Christ, determined to do all we can to help our children be firmly planted on the path that leads to eternal life. I find comfort in these words from President Benson: Single parenthood is understood by the Lord. He knows the special challenges that are yours’. I testify that this is true. I have witnessed the hand of the Lord in my life and when I have been exhausted, alone and afraid he has not left me comfortless. Someone has always come.
IV. Individual Adaptation – The Family Proclamation
The Lord has provided instruction for single parents to nurture and strengthen Family Relations. You will find that this is very similar to the instruction given to all families. In The Family Proclamation the Lord says that ‘other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation’. Other Circumstances includes single parents. Individual adaptation does not give single parents some sort of a pass. If anything it adds more responsibility.
Single parents still have a solemn responsibility to love and care for their children. Single parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Single parents will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations… Happiness in a Single Parent Family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful Single Parent Families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.
By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. When that partnership is not equal Single Parents have to adapt and fill both roles as best they can. Life becomes even busier for the single parent as they try to fill these roles, maintain positive family relations and keep their family anchored in the gospel.
V. Extended Families – Support When Needed.
The Lord includes this statement in the Family Proclamation: Extended families should lend support when needed.
I am grateful for my extended family. That extended family in my definition includes not only my parents and siblings but my ward family as well. Before my children and I moved to Cedar my friends and ward family were the only extended family that I had. When I think about family and friends who came to our rescue, who support us in a variety of ways, who share an encouraging word, or simply love us, it is with a full heart and very tender feelings.
Said President Hinckley: “Now a word to single parents among us, … You need not be entirely alone. There are many, ever so many in this Church who would reach out to you with sensitivity and understanding. They do not wish to intrude where they are not wanted. But their interest is genuine and sincere, and they bless their own lives as they bless your lives and those of your children. Welcome their help. They need to give it for their own sakes as well as for your sake.”
I think most of my Single Parent friends out there would agree that we are not looking for friends and family to take over our lives. Genuine and sincere friendship is wonderful and will open doors of trust. Simply being included is fantastic. Effective Home and Visiting teachers are essential and provide a great service to any family in the church.
Single Parents – there are times when additional support is needed and it is okay to accept that help. There will be members of your family or ward family who are moved upon by the Spirit of the Lord to do something on your behalf. You are not failing in your duties when you accept this help.
After my wife left I had a very difficult time. One day when I was feeling especially low there was a knock at my door and when I opened it I found Bobbie Lake standing there. She just stopped by to see how I was doing. Bobble lived a few houses down from me and she was pretty much my Florida mom. That encounter at my door was heaven sent. I was a wreck; she could see that even though I tried my best to disguise it. She asked what she could do for me. I didn’t want her help. I didn’t want to let her in my home because I was embarrassed of the condition it was in. I told her I was okay. She gently asked if she could help me clean. Again I resisted and told her I could take care of it. She very tenderly said, “I know you can John but this is something I can do for you if you will let me and it will help me too”. In tears I said okay. Bobbie was going through a very challenging time herself and this service was something she needed. She left to get a few things and returned with her daughter Gloria who lived around the corner and then her daughter Kathy came as well. I have since regarded these sisters as Angels in my life. They lifted me up when I most needed it. I had to humble myself and accept that it was okay to receive help. I had to see that others needed the opportunity to serve and that I could give them that opportunity. In doing so I was blessed with a greater testimony of the Savior. I knew that He still loved me, that He was aware of me and that He was sending his servants to lift me in my hour of need.
VI. Gospel Basics – My Anchors
Previously I said the gospel basics of daily prayer and scripture study, weekly Family Home Evening, attending our church meetings and serving in the temple are 5 anchors that keep us founded upon the rock of the Savior. They strengthen our families to withstand the storms of life. Each of us, our children, our families need the Savior. We cannot do it alone. When we choose to live the gospel basics we draw nearer to God.
I will touch briefly on my experience with a couple of these anchors as a Single Parent.
I have prayed much for my children and for their mother. Their relationship was very important to me. Specifically I have prayed for her to make good choices in her life that would allow her to be the kind of mother she needs to be for them. I have witnessed miracles over the last two years. I felt strongly that I had a responsibility to my children to maintain a high level of respect for her. Prayer has allowed for that.
My kids went up to Alaska to live with their mom last summer. This was the first time in my life that I was away from them. I had no way of directly caring for them and was nervous. I decided that I could go to the temple each week while they were gone. I went to the Lord with my plan and asked for his blessings upon my kids. Each week I attended the temple. Each week I put the kids names on the prayer roll along with their mothers name. It was all I could do and in exercising that faith the assurance came from the spirit that they would be protected and they were.
VII. In Closing – President Monson
Mortality is a period of testing, a time to prove ourselves worthy to return to the presence of our Heavenly Father. In order to be tested, we must sometimes face challenges and difficulties. At times there appears to be no light at the tunnel's end -- no dawn to break the night's darkness. We feel surrounded by the pain of broken hearts, the disappointment of shattered dreams, and the despair of vanished hopes. We join in uttering the biblical plea "Is there no balm in Gilead?" We are inclined to view our own personal misfortunes through the distorted prism of pessimism. We feel abundant, heartbroken, alone. If you find yourself in such a situation, I plead with you to turn to our Heavenly Father in faith. He will lift you and guide you. He will not always take your afflictions from you, but He will comfort and lead you through whatever storm you face.
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