3 AM

It is 3 AM Monday morning. I just got home and watched Rachel leave. That was pretty tough. I remember how sad I was when all the leaving stuff started two years ago. I didn't understand why and I hurt for myself and for our children. I am sad now because I know in a few hours that Andy is going to want to know where his mom is. I know that Natty and Jack will miss her as well. And so I am sitting here crying for them but also crying for Rachel. I am sad to think how hard it must be to leave and I feel badly for her. I know that we all have to deal with the consequences of our actions and sometimes they are very difficult. I am simply sad at the moment because the consequences of actions hurt some very tender and innocent hearts. It is hard to describe what I am feeling.

I have had a hard time this week. It has not been easy to go through this first Christmas and to feel the loss and the loneliness that I have felt. I am sure that things will get easier over time. Here is what I know, I don't like being alone.

Well, I hope that Rachel makes it home safely. I hope she had a wonderful visit and that she knows how much these little ones love her. I have prayed that she will live her life in a way that will allow her to be the best possible mother she can be for them. I have prayed that she can be mentally strong and healthy. She has gotten a lot healthier and that is a good thing. I hope that her relationship with the kids will remain strong and that she can be a righteous influence in their lives.

That is all for now. My heart is just full and I felt to express some thoughts. Perhaps now I can relax and rest for a few hours before the kids wake up.